Thoughts Of Onyinye N ;)

I wish I didn’t care so much….

If there is anything that I’ve learned from the last couple days, it’s that I absolutely hate uncertainty and vagueness. I hate when things are unclear. It makes me anxious and makes me very uneasy. It makes me questions things and plants insecurities within myself. 

With this situation, I feel like I”m stuck. One day I seem to have a handle on it and the next day, I feel like I’m loosing it. One day things seem to be going well and the next day, I start to question everything that ever happened all over again. And as time passes, oxymoronically, I find myself caring more and more yet I feel myself closing myself off.

Me caring has made me feel way too vulnerable and I feel that the caring and compassionate side of me is being used. While he said that he did apperciate my concern for him and thanked me for being a true friend, it dawned on me, ‘What about me?’ Lord knows there are things going on with me. This semester has been one of the hardest ones, emotionally and psychologically, which in turn has deeply affected my schoolwork. But of course, he would never know because I never said anything. Because I’m too afraid of being judged and not being accepted. I feel that I would be nothing more than another chick with issues to him. 

As time has passed, I get the feeling that I’m more into him than he is into me. If that really is the case, it sucks. But it’s something that I would have to accept and move forward. I’ve prayed about all of this and trying to give up control of the situation and let God handle it. But it’s always easier said than done. God always has his own timing, which I know he knows better than I do. I get the feeling that God hasn’t intended for this guy to be in my life for much longer or for the relationship to be any deeper. So I’ve been praying so hard to receive clarity and understanding about it all so that I can become wiser and move on with my life. Sometimes, I’m so upset as to why God put this guy in my life to begin with and why now I have these feelings for him. *sigh* but I know I shouldn’t question God’s intentions. I know He would never steer me wrong…but it’s hard to deal with sometimes. I wish that God didn’t give me such a big heart or such a caring and loving personality. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could have a “fuck everyone” mentality. But I can’t. I never was able to be that bitter or angry with the world. 

So I just sit here and close my eyes and sigh. And just pray to God to give me strength for this test He’s giving me. And give me concentration, so I can get my studying done lol. Amen